Do You Really Need Your Family?

Family: Part One

I woke up to the sun beaming through the window at about 7:30 am. I pulled the cover over my head for a few minutes until I realized I was wasting time laying in bed. So I got up and walked to Coffee By Design. While sitting and drinking my coffee, I realized I hadn't even visited the ocean in the week I've been here. I decided to go for a walk on the Back Cove Trail. 

I didn't dress warmly enough. My hands were freezing and I should have worn a scarf, gloves, and buttoned up my jacket. But after about 3 quarters of a mile, the sunlight started to feel good. The numbness in my hands went away and my cheeks felt warm.

I stopped and watched the rippling of the water for a few minutes and thought about my family. I thought about the words I used that hurt their feelings. I thought about my mom. Is she still mad at me? I thought about my sister. Is she going to call me back? I thought about how grateful I am to have a family who love me.

I took a photo of myself and then I realized my phone had 1% battery life. I couldn't remember how to get back home. But I remembered the big cathedral near my apartment. I spotted the steeple above all the buildings between and I followed it home.

On the walk back home I realized how the words I say can hurt my family. I should have told them they are with me on my journey. They are the sunlight that keeps me warm in the cold and th
e steeple that guides me home when I'm lost. Without them, I'd just be lost in the cold.

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Family: Part 2 - Value

I was lying on my air mattress (November 22, 2014) – the most valuable item I own – reading Stephen King’s The Shining when my friend, Dan, texted me and invited me out for drinks. Despite my lack of interest in having yet another drink in addition to the three glasses of wine I’d consumed earlier, I accepted with one thought in mind:my new outlook on life. When I moved to Maine, I promised myself I would stay open to new opportunities to make new memories, new experiences, and new friendships. With that in mind, I decided I’d have one drink.

Dan brought along his roommate, Jess, whom I’ve met briefly on two occasions. I was looking forward to making conversation with her. But the evening was short. I struggled to enjoy their company and I felt bad for feeling this way. But I think my lack of engagement may have been caused by my preoccupation with the amount of school work I’m behind on, the novel I’m currently reading, and the verbal cues throughout the conversations that made me think of my family.

Family is relatives. No, wait… I mean “family” is relative. Some people think of family as their closest loved ones who support them throughout their lives. Others view family as the useless people that they are pretty much stuck with to call family. In 2010, I would have definitely claimed the latter. In2011, I would have also claimed the latter. In 2012 and 2013, I would have probably claimed the latter. In 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and even the majority of 2014 – I was an idiot. To say that my family is useless is to say that my air mattress has no value.

I blamed my mom for her mistakes and the effect that those mistakes had on me. I judged my sister, Destinee, for getting pregnant too young. I resented my brother, Cody, because he was the favored child. I carried the pain of a poor childhood around with me all my life. When I met my half-brothers on my father’s side, they would have nothing to do with me. I blamed my mom. Why did she wait until (2010) I was 20 years old to tell me who my father was? Maybe if I had been a part of their lives, I wouldn’t have suffered from their rejection.Maybe if my mom had just given me up for adoption, I would have had a better life.

Last Saturday, November 15^th, my cousin Ashley called me while I was at the same dive bar in Portland with the same friend I was with tonight. I stepped outside so I could hear her. We had a semi-long conversation. Most of it consisted of Ashley telling me how proud she was of me. She said, “After everything you’ve been through – you got out of Selma. You’re out there making something of yourself.” It was a difficult thing to hear. I never thought I was making anything of myself. I’m just trying to find myself. I’m trying to find happiness, solitude, spirituality, and a place where I feel I belong. Ashley went on to tell me one of her personal goals – something I shouldn’t share in this journal – but something that is important to her; so fulfilling and gratifying. In those moments as Ashley told me her greatest hope – I had an epiphany. I’m not the only one making something of myself. I’m just like Ashley hoping that I meet a goal. Whether it is moving away to find myself or to achieve something else, I’m taking chances because I have hope.

I think my mom made mistakes because she had hoped the choices would work out. I believe she never intended to hurt me. I believe that blaming her for my obstacles is just a new obstacle for me. It never solved my problems. I think she was just finding herself like I am now. I believe the reason she lied about my father is because she wanted to protect me from what happened anyway. I know that judging my sister when she got pregnant as a teenager wouldn’t reverse her pregnancy nor would it change her love and support for me. I know that Cody didn’t know I was hurting. I know that he didn’t know he was favored. I believe that Cody and Destinee are my best friends. I believe that my mom, my sister, and my brother love me as much as anyone ever could. I believe my family is my closest loved ones that have supported me throughout my life no matter what.

 No matter what…

Tonight at the bar, Dan and Jess began talking about their Christmas plans with their families. Of course, those verbal cues made me think of my own family. It is heart-breaking to me that I won’t be with them during the holidays. The feelings – realizations – upset me. I had to leave the bar. I paid the $7 tab and walked home. I questioned myself along the way: Why did I come here? How could the family I blamed, judged, and resented be the ones I miss the most? It doesn't matter now. Because all I could think about was the cold walk home. I wanted to be in my bed - my air mattress that supports me and comforts me and gives me rest - no matter what.